CDC Plans To Ban Covid-19 In The U.S. To Reduce Deaths

Submitted by Ryan Cortez on
A sign at the entrance to the CDC in Atlanta

- This is a fictitious article written in an attempt to provide some humor.-

The Head of the CDC, Rochelle Walensky, has announce a new policy that many say has been long overdue.  Starting April 1, 2021, the CDC will ban the coronavirus Covid-19 in the United States.  The new policy is aimed at helping to reduce the number of new cases in the United States.  It is hoped that this new ban, along with the vaccine rollout currently underway, will give the U.S. the ability reduce overall new case count and that the number of deaths will be reduced quickly to a point where American’s can resume their normal lives.

This new policy is the result of a focus group commissioned by the CDC back in June of 2020 in which officials were desperately scrambling to find ways to prevent more deaths.  No agreement had been reached until Texas suffered a blackout on Feb 15, 2021 from a winter storm that most experts agree could have been avoided had the ban been in place much sooner so that employees could have manned their stations throughout the complicated electrical generation and supply system.

“The possession of the Covid-19 virus will no longer be allowed, everyone who posses any amount will be required to surrender it to their local health agency for proper containment and elimination” said Walensky in her remarks to Congress about the new policy.  Local health agencies are being sent specialized Covid-19 extraction devices that will draw the Covid-19 virus out from people’s blood stream and cells throughout their body, it will be a painless procedure that will take about 15 minutes.  Large pharmaceutical companies have already started manufacturing these new devices under the Defense Authorization Act which was invoked by President Biden last month.

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By Ryan Cortez - This was a satirical article that is completely false in every way.  No person or agency or entity named in this article participated or was quoted as saying anything written in this article, instead it was written in attempt to provide some much needed laughter.  No one from Texas News Express contacted or spoke to any person or entity described in this article and this article is a complete work of fiction.